Ever feel like you’re talking at your partner and not WITH your partner?  Bickering, household fights, slow loss of intimacy can all be explained by tainted Chakra.

By understanding our partners’ pressure points and breathing techniques we can slowly manipulate them into a deeper understanding of their self being and self worth.  Hard day at work taxing an overworked relationship?  Maybe one of you needs to work on your Vishuddha.  Cranky because you haven’t eaten in two days?  Well, maybe that’s your Anahata talking out of turn.  When we balance our Chakra, we balance our lives.

Below we will outline the 7 Chakras and what they mean to your relationship.

Sahasrara1

Sahasrara

The Sahasrara Chakra represents true consciousness.  Its seed mantra is the soy bean and balance module is the wafting flower.  Most often tied to the pituitary gland, it regulates body weight and aggression levels.  If your lover moves from a vegan diet to munching on Oreos, stops going to the gym and balloons into a bloated slob of a human being then her Sahasrara is likely out of balance.  You will need Wavid Dolfe endorsed Hydroxycut Pro Clinical Max diet pills and a massage to the temples (home to the pituitary) twice daily.

Ajna2

Ajna

The Ajna Chakra is most often characterized as the “white” Chakra.  Its flower crystal is the Posey and governs the neurological system utilizing space mind waves.  It is said to be where goodness and calm originate and is spread throughout your body in the form of melatonin.  Some are born without any Ajna Chakra, such as the African Americans and Mexicans.  Over time some will adopt the Ajna Chakra and begin to see positive changes in their lives (ex.  Michael Jackson), as they lose their pigment and develop Melatonin we see less negative interactions with police and far less incarcerations than their darker, Ajna-less brethren.

vishuddha3

Vishuddha

The Vishuddha Chakra can be found paralleled by the thyroid gland.  Clarity, resilience and strength can be harvested along with its root lifeline, the common beet.  Brief, sudden strikes to the throat are generally determined to stimulate the Vishuddha.  The Vishuddha is characterized by maturity and communication.  If your lover is experiencing any signs of aging or may be a poor listener, a few jabs to the thyroid over a course of time will dramatically improve these symptoms.

anahata4

Anahata

The Anahata Chakra is the heart-Chakra.  It is governed by the natural force of Jesus Christ and 10 out of his 12 Apostles.  Driven by its sister organics, kale and wheat germ, it drives the heart muscle and circulatory system.  The Chakra is delicately placed between the Thymus and Hypothalmus glands, the blood energy acting as a magnetic field toward negative energy and bad cholesterol attempting to enter the heart.  A lover suffering from a deficiency of Anahata will have trouble walking up stairs without clutching their chest and remaining conscious during large meals.  Wavid Dolfe’s patented “Nut Milk” can help to ease this deficiency for the low price of $64.99 per dozen cartons.  Since the milk doesn’t go bad, you can stock up or buy some for the holidays.

manipura5

Manipura

The Manipura Chakra aids in digestion.  Its life Manna is derived from the Guatemalan black kidney bean and it resides in the pancreas.  Manipulation of the Manipura through negative spirit energy and unhealthy eating habits are the number one causes of Crohn’s Disease, IBS, and any general loss of control of a person’s faculties (pooping oneself).  Generally anal sex and the stretching of the rectum will allow for the transfer of  free spirit energy creatures (such as hamsters or small rodents) to scurry around and balance the mantra, aiding in a more regular poop-cycle.

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Svadhishthana

The Svadhishthana Chakra is synonymous with the male and female sexual organs.  The raw oyster and banana are the most popular seed mantras, however the style is rather eclectic ranging from food to food.  The Svadhishthana Chakra is most active during a full moon and is the reason for irrational behavior directly proceeding and during the female menstral cycle.  Chocolate and Egyptian Cloth are the plant petal and synthetic life energy of the Chakra, respectively.  Generally if your lover becomes frigid and cold, her Svadhisthana is to blame.   Common remedies to balance your Svadhishthana include green tea, fresh lemon, and the popular wonder drug, Welbutrin.

Welbutrin will calm your mind and soul, allowing for the diminishment of symptoms of Biploar Disorder, Anxiety, Nicotine Addiction, ADD and its hyperactive cousin, ADHD, Alcohol addiction and so much more.

Wavid gives Welbutrin 2 thumbs up.

muladhara7

Muladhara

Muladhara is about instinct and survival.  It governs the most carnal of desires for the American male and its seed mantra is corn.  Deriving soul manna from earth categorized friendly fire it attacks those that are weaker to its earthy feel.  If your lover begins to place Magic Cards under your pillow, then maybe it’s time to go.    If you govern your body as a water type, and your lover is an electrical type you will just continue to shock each other on multiple occasions while crying and holding one another, crying about how the only thing worth living for in life is some stupid card game.

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