IFLScience has conducted into an investigation into the truth behind claims that vaccines cause autism, and we can exclusively reveal that they don’t. Not at all.
However, following off-the-record discussions with industry insiders, we have uncovered something even more bizarre: the anti-vaxxers are on the payrolls of the pharmaceutical companies!
We spoke to Mr X (not his real name), a high-ranking employee of Pfizer, and he explained:
“Vaccines are all well and good, but they don’t make us much money. Imagine if we could wait ’til a person catches a disease, then put them on a course of expensive drugs to treat the illness? You’re looking at an order of magnitude more money. Primarily we are a business, and it would be morally wrong for us not to look to maximize profits for our
Documents that have been obtained by IFLScience show that prominent anti-vaxxers have been on the payroll of Big Pharma all along.
“We paid Andrew Wakefield to make up those results for a bit of a laugh, but then when we realised how much extra cheese we were raking, we made it policy.”
But how does Mr X explain the massive increases in cases of autism since 1998?
“Well that’s why I came to you, really. Just to keep people scared, we put autism into a tiny minority of vaccines, about one in a thousand. I hope that by coming forward it will encourage Pfizer and the other companies to stop giving the kids actual autism. It just doesn’t seem fair. Maybe something harmless like herpes instead.”
Please tell us your vaccine horror stories in the comments. Have YOU ended up with a defective child?