Hello, loyal readers. My name is Jeremy Goldstein. I’m an intern for IFLScience.org and thought it appropriate to publish this sad news under Dr. Reginald’s name.
As many of you know, the Doctor has been doing an investigative piece on the United States government’s role in utilizing weather control devices for warfare and population culling. I’ve been following Dr. James on this fascinating and terrifying journey. Carrying his makeup and hair gels, fetching waters for him and I even did some ice fishing. I really learned a lot about journalism in my short time with this brilliant man. It is with sadness that I report to you, dear readers and IFLScience.org staff that Dr. James was found dead in his hotel yesterday morning. At least I think it was morning, I have a hard time figuring out what time it is in Alaska
In his last installment in the series, we had been chased away from what’s known as “The Tower” by unmarked military grade vehicles. Shots were fired and one of our guides died on the spot. They stopped following as soon as we got on to a main road as we raced back to our hotel. We were trying to be as incognito and safe as we could be. We only ordered one pizza and kept the volume on low as we played COD that evening. I passed out in a recliner. When I awoke, I noticed Dr. James wasn’t in his usual position standing naked in front of the sliding glass doors to the deck, wearing black socks only and smoking a clove cigarette. I thought maybe he had stayed up too late or was just exhausted from the previous day’s events. When I went over to the bed, I noticed that his face was swollen and blue. Wads of paper had been shoved down his throat. As I pulled them out, the same message was written on each paper, “GET OUT.” How terrifying! I called 911 and fled the scene. What if the cops were in on it?
So, dear readers, the good Doctor is dead so tragically early in his career, and this is my official resignation. The hard hitting world of balls out scientific journalism is just too much for me. I’m going to try and get an internship at my local news station covering craft shops. Thank you for the opportunity, guys, but I’m too young to die.