Move over Snopes, there’s a new hoax buster in town. Animal Research Team at IFLscience.org decided to put their top researchers to work in discovering the truth behind the infamous viral photo of the burn face dog that is making it’s rounds on Facebook. With the help of a local off duty police officer and a $1.9 million dollar government grant, we can confirm this image is indeed 100% hoax.
Dr. Richard David Falco, Canine Psychologist lead the research team which conducted a series of trials over a period of 3 weeks utilizing 60 dogs that were rescued from various no-kill animal shelters throughout Rochester NY.
“We decided the only way to prove this image was indeed a hoax, was to burn the fucking shit out of a bunch of dogs under various conditions then compare their wounds to the image. However, we were initially concerned about facing criminal charges for animal cruelty”. explained Dr. Richard Falco “We were just about to completely give up when we saw a news bulletin of yet another incident where a police officer emptied his clip into a families dog for no apparent reason and walked away without any legal repercussions. We immediately jumped online and published a craigslist ad requesting volunteer officers interested in killing dogs… for science. Withing 24 hours we had over 900 requests from eager police officers from across the United States willing to travel for our experiment.”
For the next three weeks Dr. Falco’s team dedicated themselves to maiming the faces of 60 rescue dogs with the help of an unnamed off duty police officer from the area.
“Since the story claimed the dog was burned in a house fire we had our brave officer just start lighting shit we had laying around the office on fire and pushing the dogs’ faces into the flames. We tried using everything we had…chairs, books, tables, pool noodles, books, even the other dogs. But all of the comparisons to the viral photo were inconclusive. From there we began experimenting with chemical burns using different types of acid, then eventually electricity. But none of the wounds looked even remotely like the dog in the photo.”
Dr. Falco claimed his team had near given up all hope when the volunteer officer made a startling discovery.
“I was pretty tired, ya know…from fucking up all those dogs, so I decided to treat myself with a ham sanmmich I “confiscated” from the Muslim fella behind the counter at a local deli. I only got two bites in when a piece of ham fell outta muh sammich and landed on one of them burnt up dog’s faces. When I looked down I just started laughin and laughin and told the doc to come check it out. When he witnessed it he got all excited and grabbed the rest of his science men.”
Sure enough the officer was indeed correct, and it was the bravery in his meaty sacrifice that we can all thank for leading Dr. Falco’s team to their brilliant discovery. That the dog’s face in the viral image actually had no visible burns at all, but was a mere piece of ham covering part of it’s face.
We asked the volunteer officer what his thoughts were on being involved with one of the greatest discoveries of 2016 and he only had this to say.
“I don’t honestly know exactly what was going on..heck, I still don’t. All I know is that I got to do something I am truly passionate about while helping advance science at the same time. Don’t get me wrong, I love what I do for a living, but keeping my town safe by shooting dogs just gets boring. It was nice to switch things up for a change and use something besides a gun. It was sad having to dump the defective dogs who survived the experiment back off at that shelter, I feel we really bonded during our time together. Overall I really had a great time.”
Dr. Falco and his team of researchers look forward to disproving more animal related internet hogwash in the near future.