For the last few years Oklahoman residents have been dealing with an increasing amount of seismic activity. These events have been major disruptors for some of Oklahoma’s time honored community past times such as tractor shows, high school foot ball games, and corn watching. In April 2014, the US geological society was tasked with finding an answer, and hopefully a solution.
After these poor excuses for scientists wasted many tax payer dollars on such a feeble attempt to understand nature, their end result was essentially, “Dunno, guys.” For whatever reason, and I personally expect it to be their affiliation with the other soft science of known liars in the paleontology community, they seem reluctant to reveal hidden truths to the good citizens of Oklahoma. We can only speculate as to what these hidden truths are, why they are withholding these truths, and who is behind it all, but fortunately for iflscience readers, I spent some time on the ground talking to the people. Who understands the land better than the residents, right?
So, I’ve put together a list of the best theories/most possible causes as communicated to me through the eyes and mouths of those who would know better.
- I Think It’s Demons
Yes, demons. Most God fearing Oklahomans are very spiritually in tune with the land. This comes from a combination of praying to a Christian God and appropriating philosophies from Native culture. they’re some of the most insightful people I’ve ever met when it comes to reading the mood of the land. Margie Heinzman of Tulsa said, “Sometimes, just before the quakes, I swear I see shadow figures cavorting in the distance. Often times near oil and fracking rigs. It’s a weird location for sure, because the fracking has invigorated the economy and the moral here in OK. I’m not surprised evil would so willingly attack that which has brought us economic salvation.”
Since the black rush that began roughly a decade ago, every outsider and illegal immigrant has been trying to get their hands on a piece of Oklahoma’s fracking pie. As science tells us, each geographical location has its own weight limit when it comes to sustaining a population influx. Bill Watts from Broken Arrow told us at iflsciene that, “If you just let every damn jobless vagrant in here to jump on the energy bandwagon, eventually Oklahoma will just sink into the ground.” Mr. Watt’s theory was cross referenced with other sources on the matter and verified by iflscience labs. A highly probable scientific reason, for sure. Hopefully, the feds can send in truck loads of scales and begin weighing individual residents there. Those that are overweight should be given a timeline for slimming down. If they can’t make this deadline, then they and their obese families should be deported.
While sitting in the town hall of Edmond, one thing that kept coming up repeatedly was snakes. Giant snakes, to be exact. These folks were eager to share with me their harrowing encounters with these reptilian monstrosities. Bill Winchester, the local sheriff there was perhaps the most vocal of all. He recounted a story where he chased one with a pick axe all the way to it’s domain. He described a mysterious, maze like, cavernous system of tunnels that seemed to go on for miles. He noted, as did I, that again…these suspicious behaviors and geologic perversions seem to center around OK’s saving grace, the fracking industry. Why is this beacon of economic development being targeted by dark forces? Who is trying to destroy OK and it’s savior industry? Don’t worry, iflscience will get to the bottom of this.
As my time in OK went on, it became more obvious that these sudden underground caverns and tunnels are in direct correlation with the instability of the surface there. So, the answer seems pretty obvious at this point. Who benefits most from underground tunnels? Mexican Cartels. The cocaine and crystal meth epidemic has increased at exponential rates since these quakes began. A good scientific principle is that correlation almost always leads to causation.
These are all just unproven theories at this point, and because we value the scientific process so much, we at iflscience are in no way prepared to fully back any of these well thought out and articulate theories just yet. More studying, pie charts, and graphs must be made and evaluated before we take an official stance, but we promise our readers that we will not rest until this mystery is solved and the good citizens of Oklahoma can get through just one day without a mounted stag head falling on them.