In a celebrity climate where aging musicians seem to be dropping like flies at such a young age, some have posed the question “why is Keith Richards still alive?”
The answer begins with Human Growth Hormone. Countless celebrities have begun taking HGH in an attempt to counteract the effects of aging. HGH has aided in keeping hundreds of celebrities looking and feeling young, without the side effects inherent with steroid use.
For a man of Keith Richards’s age (rumored to be approaching the century mark) and the fast and dangerous lifestyle he’s adopted over the years, HGH simply wasn’t enough. As organ systems began to slowly shut down and his skin slowly sagged from the deep crevasses in his face, he approached holistic medical man to the stars, Wavid “avocado” Dolfe and asked for help.
Richards at the time was hunched over in a wheelchair, incontinent and unable to control his faculties. His aide was spoon feeding him mashed up Cheetos and Ensure 3 times a day. The next inevitable stop was a feeding tube.
Dolfe nursed Richards back to a state of cognizance utilizing a GMO free diet and horse hair tampons. When the aging musician was able to formulate a few words and phrases, Dolfe posed a very controversial and experimental course of treatment.
Before Dolfe arrived in mainstream celebrity consultations, Planned Parenthood had been tossing out aborted fetuses for dozens of years. Aborted fetuses contain a copious amount of coveted “stem cells.”
It has been hypothesized that these stem cells extracted from babies at such an early stage of development hold the key to the regrowth of dead tissue and even reversing the effects of aging.
“W Bush put the nix on using fetuses for diseases such as Altzheimers and Cancer,” Dolfe explains, “holistic medicine and anti-aging techniques don’t have the same FDA requirements. I keep no less than 200 aborted fetuses in the cooler at all times, and there’s nothing the government can do.”
Planned Parenthood acknowledges the potential for medicinal progress that would utilize the fetal carcasses they keep in their possession, however are remaining hushed on the claims that Dolfe describes.
“You just show up at the back door with a van and a cooler and they pretty much give them away,” Dolfe explains, “not sure why more people aren’t capitalizing on this.”
Once the fetuses are harvested, they are left to ripen and then placed in oak barrels. Dolfe then utilizes old world wine making techniques to extract the stem cells from the rest of the fetus. Using his bare feet, he personally climbs into the barrel to begin extraction and fermentation.
“I mix the stem cells in a juicer with organic kale, rainbow chard and GMO free beets,” divulges Dolfe, “then we mix some probiotic Greek yogurt for protein, and feed it to clients like Mr. Richards 3 times a day. The results are almost instantaneous. Mr. Richards was out of his wheelchair in the course of a week, and using the bathroom on his own within the first month.”
The stem cells travel through the body of aging celebrities and attach to aging and sagging skin. They reinvigorate the host bodies and pass out harmlessly through the urinary tract.
Mr. Richards will hopefully be around for many years to come with this new innovation, and we are very happy to see him perform “We Didn’t Start the Fire” for years and years to come!